Everything that's worth saying I say on Facebook

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I Yem Hevving So Mach Lavving!

You may recall my downer wing-woman from earlier this year, Elenka? Well GUESS WHO HOOKED UP??

That's right. Marta bagged herself another fake Russian. She's so hot. And sweet. And I love her.

She's away right now, and I miss her. But I vill hold her agien! Oh yies, I vill.

What else ... oh, you know, school starts for autumn. That's a song I'm thinking about writing.
Schooooool starts. for. autumn!
It's gonna be great.

I vill boyel so mach feesh for every-von, vill be liek auld cuntery party up inside of here!

TTYL, dude.

Having to Find New Doctor

I have been spoiled, I'll admit. I've seen one doctor, for my many ailments, over the past three years. She has diagnosed me negative for many diseases, and figuratively held my hand through each ordeal by reminding me that I was acting like a paranoid baby. I LOVED that doctor. She patronized me to my face. She told me that my vagina was fine and I should stop staring at it. She gave me prescriptions and refills, no questions asked! We were developing a rapport .... I had plans.

According to the dimwitted receptionists at her office there is another doctor who is HIGHLY recommended, especially if I like whatever the hell it is I like about my current doctor. My roommate went to see the referred doctor and if her facebook status message is to be believed the meeting did not go as I had expected. Perhaps the 'stand in' doctor isn't actually up to par with my departing doctor, and the love of my life [Gyno + lesbian + funny (talked about Britney Spears and awkwardly made reference to E to seem cool!) + hot (in her own way) + doctor = booyah! I'm in love.] As far as I'm concerned, my departing GP's shoes are nearly impossible to fill and I won't be surprised if no other doctor in the group is a remote facsimile.

It's a sad time for Martina. A time for confusion, introspection, Google searches and introspection as to what she really wants out of a doctor. Martina is somewhat trained to expect very little. If I want holistic advice, I'll pay a holistic healer out of pocket. When I see a western doctor I want western medicine: ie drugs, though I'm fairly certain it doesn't fly when you describe the prize that way.

So we will see, and I will keep you posted. In the meantime, I just love Joe, the Physicians Assistant, who takes all the time in the world with me, and listens to my every neurotic thought about the potential harm my meds might cause me before he prescribes me more.

I might be spoiled.

Here's to the good life.

So Meny Women, So Little Breathing Room

I am happy with the amount of female attention I get at lesbian clubs, don't get me wrong. My dear friend Elenka doesn't seem to hev my luck, and more often sits in corners seying things like "I give up," which mek little Marta feel pity for Elenka. Also, Marta feel pity for self, for heving such downer wing-woman.

Yet is true that a good woman is hard to find, and my needs aren't so strict. I vant hot, good personality, smart, ind either able to contribute to joke or to laugh along. Ind I find, I do, but usually there is other baggage. Woman ultimately iz hoping will become relationship. Woman is not bulieving that I not want relationship .. is too much trouble! I say ind is true: I am here for sexy dancing or funny talking or meybe we just sit and enjoy the ambiance.

Tonight I meet very nice woman, but turned out she was bit boring. Laughed at all of Marta's talking. Convinced Marta is secretly stand-up comedian, but hed nothing to say for self. No good. Second woman? Very cute, much more interactive, but before long Marta realized was chubby ind little bit self-serious. Marta PMSing, so if woman seems self serious to Marta today, just imagine how woman seems in two weeks. No go.

So Marta ventures on. More events, more meeting people. Iz ok. Marta fun heving for now. If situation turns dire, Marta heppy to go to Mitchel Brothers' with good friend Idanski. Will tell more es story progress.

Marta Hev Thoughts, 'Bout Pop Culture Women Who Influence Intellectual Culture

Have you seen that video by li'l mama, about her lip gloss? It's poppin', and evidently is the secret to her self-empowerment.

Then there's Beyonce, who holds gold between her teeth and urges all us independent Single Ladies to Upgrade, to Direct TV. Gold, just think about that.

These women are most known as pop artists, and only partially influence the stock of intellectual culture that American women draw from. The biggest contributer to this stock might be Oprah Winfrey. Oprah, who brought out the idea of focusing on inner happiness, rather than how we rate according to scales of measurement. One time on her show she had a women who kept an Excel spreadsheet of all that she did against her husbands activities; proof that she deserved more out of their relationship. This may have been in the days when Dr. Phil was just the Tuesday Special on Oprah, and he coached the woman through her competitive nature to a point of understanding that the marriage either worked or didn't worked.

Marta's thoughts:
I sey is bullshit. Women here in this case work herder so woman deserve more. Deserve more for to bring fish home, ind perheps more for to hev men give pleasure in wey to satisfy need of women. Little bit tongue, and lot hend. Marta get little bit sweating thinking 'bout what men should do for women in this way.

I sey Oprah, partially on right trek and partially little bit confused. Yes, women should lose weight. ALSO, women should wear more gold attachments -- perheps on black vinyl purse, perheps on belt, or et random on sweater.

Let me tell you bout gold. Gold is secret. There book called The Secret, but ectually only covers part of secret. First part: how to mek money for gold. SECOND PART OF SECRET: Why you need gold. You need gold, because gold iz like sun. It mek happy when women look et it. It mek women think big thought. It mek women try harder. Push husband like workhorse who kin do more. Ind, also, mek woman want OWN SUCCESS, so that woman can buy little gold attachments, buckles, whatever, for any item of clothing she want? See iz cycle. We all know power of cycle. Infinity sign? = two cycles.

I tell you, iz true. Secret to life.

Moral of this story iz: when you see commercial telling you thet men will buy yur gold for CASH, you tell men, go screw or I sic Marta on you! Because Marta tell us, gold is most valuebul. You not want cash over gold. You kinnot use cash papers as attachment on sweater shoulders, or ankle part of patent leather boot. What if rains? Cash get wet, is no good.

You not sell Gold for Cash. You keep gold. You buy more. You buy all the gold.

You go do this now.

The Politics of Personals

This is a post I added to the women seeking women section of craigslist, a message board haunted by angry women. They rant about how men TOTALLY WANT THEM
(Marta sez: Git over it. Probably I seen meny lesbians, some hot; meny, eh, not so hot),
and about bi-curious ladies. Evidently most of the lesbians of SF Craigslist would like to tell the bi/bi-curious women to go screw. This is my exhibitionist response.

I've masturbated to ideas and images of women, since my earliest sexual memories. One day I decided that I was one of the gays. I was about 13 years old. I urgently wanted to be part of the gay community, partially because it felt naturally easy and partially in response to a general need to belong. My family was falling apart at the time, and I loved the concept of the gay community as people who are loving and supportive to people otherwise considered sexually freaky, like me.

I came out at my first opportunity. I was 13, and in Hebrew school. We were having a guided conversation about social issues and I made mention of my bisexuality as though it were as normal as eating bread. My best friend at the time was hurt that I hadn't told her yet. She confronted me one night when I was crawling into bed at her house -- bed being on her couch, while she slept in her own bed, in a loft. She asked me how lesbians had sex. As I recall I honestly answered that I didn't know

Over the years I've looked at a lot of porn, fantasized about countless acquaintances and friends, and have had enough actual sexual experiences to know that I am truly lesbian, in part. I had one relationship with a good friend that played out over some years and ended with my heart broken so thoroughly that occasionally ached even two years later. However, most of my serious relationships have been with men. Around 21 years old I tried to break into the lesbian scene of SF, but it just didn't work for me. I felt shunned, I didn't know how to talk to girls, or attract attention. I stayed with men because it was easy and gratifying enough.

Now I finally am 'breaking into the lesbian scene': making lesbian friends, going to lesbian events and being so bold as to hit on women. I feel like for the first time in my life I really am coming out, and it feels amazing. Part of me wonders if I actually am a lesbian, just now coming to realize how much more satisfying lesbianism can be. Underneath all that sort of prophesy and second guessing I hold the belief that I still am bisexual, as I always have been, and that I am finally allowing my lesbian side to shine. It is a good experience for me, and I am proud to be part lesbian.

All things taken into consideration, I am bisexual. I am attracted to men and women. I am not attracted to people who fight the notion of gender, though I can see myself with a transgendered person. The binary definition of gender just makes a lot of sense to me. Sex with men makes a lot of sense to me. Sex with women makes a surprising amount of sense to me. The most important decision I have made is to be true to myself, without shame.

As for curiousity, such as bi-curiousity, or even straight-curiousity among defined lesbian women, go for it. I say there is no shame in being curious.